Saturday 3rd March, 2018
FOCUS Northern Nairobi staff and chairpersons and secretaries of the CUs in the region sat as the regional coordinator gave instructions on the voting we were about to undertake; the nominations for the Regional Students Executive committee. As the voting continued and since I wasn’t participating, my mind reeled back to 4 years ago, sitting in the same room when I got nominated as the National Students Executive Committee (NASEC) Secretary. I had gotten perplexed, and without time to think we were requested to go to the front to be prayed for.
I remember crying for I felt inferior and incapable of the task. I was still struggling with self-esteem yet I knew what the package came with; representing the students in board meetings and consequently making announcements in the then Commission 2014 conference. As much as it still was exciting, I knew I was still struggling to make announcements back in the college CU. I couldn’t understand why God would chose me above all the students, among all CUs. I mean, I was from a small CU in the coast, compared to the giant (so I thought) UoN, KU, JKUAT etc.
What I didn’t know was that God was preparing me for a 4 year journey that I would never regret subscribing to; a journey to, in and through FOCUS. It was in NASEC that I bonded with staff and Associates and visited their families. Well, this may look like an insignificant thing, but it was the journey that (I praise the Lord) changed my perception of marriage and helped me see that God’s purpose of marriage is still alive, that marriage still works.
I was invited to see love, to see givers, to believe, to trust, to live with a purpose, leave alone shaping one of my greatest desire in life; engaging marriages.
Two years later, in February 2016, my Regional Coordinator invited me to join STEM. As much as I had harbored the thoughts of STEM, the actual invitation to consider felt like a dream. And as I engaged in prayer, I cried a lot. I had so many things to do, I thought to myself, before getting married (I do not understand why marriage was so much in my mind then!). I needed to better my parents’ lives (up to now I don’t understand what I wanted to do for them), I needed to study, needed to work and earn, needed to…
To cut the story short, I said yes and my journey as a STEM Staff in Nyeri begun. Entrusted with the lives of students and of their leaders, I was invited to mentor, to listen, to train, disciple, participate, to welcome, to lay aside my comfort for that of my students, to be available, to develop my people skills, to love the difficult, the uncooperative and to invite them home.
Three years later and four months to what I thought was the end, in March 2017, the same invitation beckoned. And the experience this time, was what my good Friend Sarah (you can follow her on https://mutheusarah.wordpress.com/) calls signing a blank contract of surrender. I felt ripped off of my 1 page well-articulated dreams that I had ‘prayerfully’ visualized. I felt like God was ‘smashing’ my dreams, the way He does to the wicked . I thought I’d given my all in Nyeri and never expected a ‘STEM repeat’. And this time, I seriously wept.
I cried because I would have to ‘lag behind’ when my friends were making progress. Wept because the brightest girl in the village wouldn’t be working and earning yet for the second year since finishing campus. Wept because having finished campus at 21 and having thought I’d have my masters by 23, the Lord was making me ‘equal’ to any other person that would be finishing by 25. Wept because all of my ambitions, thoughts and plans would have to be let go blindly, at least for the next one year. I felt unsure, unclear of what life had in store for me.
Well, it is now 4 months to go; the end of my 4 year calling to a deeper trust. Sometimes God is calling us to a deeper trust, not clarity. To believe, not to see. To be still and know that He is God. He alone knows all the days of our lives, and therefore He alone knows what is GOOD for us. A Deeper Trust.
Today as I see people that are walking in a related path; to stem, to ministry, to a different job, simply, to uncertainty. I have mixed feelings towards them. I am sad that they have to ‘postpone’ their plans yet again, but happy that they are being invited to walk with and know Him more. They are being invited to Trust, to Believe, to Be Still…and know He is God. Yes, my worries came to pass; I haven’t started ‘working’ yet, yes, many friends have ‘made progress’ in life…and talk of progress. I really have made it, a progress I’d sure not have made if things went as I wanted. The progress of Trust!