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A deeper Trust

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Saturday 3rd March, 2018

FOCUS Northern Nairobi staff and chairpersons and secretaries of the CUs in the region sat as the regional coordinator gave instructions on the voting we were about to undertake; the nominations for the Regional Students Executive committee. As the voting continued and since I wasn’t participating, my mind reeled back to 4 years ago, sitting in the same room when I got nominated as the National Students Executive Committee (NASEC) Secretary. I had gotten perplexed, and without time to think we were requested to go to the front to be prayed for.

I remember crying for I felt inferior and incapable of the task. I was still struggling with self-esteem yet I knew what the package came with; representing the students in board meetings and consequently making announcements in the then Commission 2014 conference. As much as it still was exciting, I knew I was still struggling to make announcements back in the college CU. I couldn’t understand why God would chose me above all the students, among all CUs. I mean, I was from a small CU in the coast, compared to the giant (so I thought) UoN, KU, JKUAT etc.

What I didn’t know was that God was preparing me for a 4 year journey that I would never regret subscribing to; a journey to, in and through FOCUS. It was in NASEC that I bonded with staff and Associates and visited their families. Well, this may look like an insignificant thing, but it was the journey that (I praise the Lord) changed my perception of marriage and helped me see that God’s purpose of marriage is still alive, that marriage still works.

I was invited to see love, to see givers, to believe, to trust, to live with a purpose, leave alone shaping one of my greatest desire in life; engaging marriages.

Two years later, in February 2016, my Regional Coordinator invited me to join STEM. As much as I had harbored the thoughts of STEM, the actual invitation to consider felt like a dream. And as I engaged in prayer, I cried a lot. I had so many things to do, I thought to myself, before getting married (I do not understand why marriage was so much in my mind then!). I needed to better my parents’ lives (up to now I don’t understand what I wanted to do for them), I needed to study, needed to work and earn, needed to…

To cut the story short, I said yes and my journey as a STEM Staff in Nyeri begun. Entrusted with the lives of students and of their leaders, I was invited to mentor, to listen, to train, disciple, participate, to welcome, to lay aside my comfort for that of my students, to be available, to develop my people skills, to love the difficult, the uncooperative and to invite them home.

Three years later and four months to what I thought was the end, in March 2017, the same invitation beckoned. And the experience this time, was what my good Friend Sarah (you can follow her on https://mutheusarah.wordpress.com/) calls signing a blank contract of surrender. I felt ripped off of my 1 page well-articulated dreams that I had ‘prayerfully’ visualized.  I felt like God was ‘smashing’ my dreams, the way He does to the wicked       . I thought I’d given my all in Nyeri and never expected a ‘STEM repeat’. And this time, I seriously wept.

I cried because I would have to ‘lag behind’ when my friends were making progress. Wept because the brightest girl in the village wouldn’t be working and earning yet for the second year since finishing campus. Wept because having finished campus at 21 and having thought I’d have my masters by 23, the Lord was making me ‘equal’ to any other person that would be finishing by 25. Wept because all of my ambitions, thoughts and plans would have to be let go blindly, at least for the next one year. I felt unsure, unclear of what life had in store for me.

Well, it is now 4 months to go; the end of my 4 year calling to a deeper trust. Sometimes God is calling us to a deeper trust, not clarity. To believe, not to see. To be still and know that He is God. He alone knows all the days of our lives, and therefore He alone knows what is GOOD for us. A Deeper Trust.

Today as I see people that are walking in a related path; to stem, to ministry, to a different job, simply, to uncertainty.  I have mixed feelings towards them. I am sad that they have to ‘postpone’ their plans yet again, but happy that they are being invited to walk with and know Him more. They are being invited to Trust, to Believe, to Be Still…and know He is God. Yes, my worries came to pass; I haven’t started ‘working’ yet, yes, many friends have ‘made progress’ in life…and talk of progress. I really have made it, a progress I’d sure not have made if things went as I wanted. The progress of Trust!

  1. Praise God,

    What an a calling. Your journey has been an amazing one in getting to deeper trust. I’m so much encouraged by this piece. It’s true some things delay but in the meantime God’s takes us through a path that we never thought it would take longer than we expected but God puts us in a class to teach us the basics of life we might have never known if we went by our plans. Your impact in the students ministry is so much alive.

    God bless you.

  2. Woow an amazing piece, so enlightening and so true. Keep up the good work Aggie, you are reaching many.
    This journey of salvation it’s a walk of Faith, God always illuminates our next staircase step but not the whole staircase at once. The only way to move on is to always trust Him that He is always in control, He loves us and has the best plan for our life than we know. Blessings

  3. Such a nice piece Aggy.

    I identify with your experience in big way. God call us, from a life we control to one he will guide and we follow.

    Mathew Henry says “Pleasure is a tempting thing. What yields delight cannot but attract desire… religion has pleasure on its side… Here is a bait that has no hook under it… a pleasure which God himself invites you to, and which will make you happy, truly and eternally happy… it is certain that there is a true pleasure in true religion”

    I am not sure though, that this is the end of the “4 years”. Could it be a beginning? Just thinking.

    Baraka Tele.

  4. Agnes, this is so real…the Lord’s ways are truly higher than our own and so are His thoughts.
    You know the moment we have surrendered totally and as Caleb says above lose control of our lives that God may take control, there’s so much joy and fulfillment. I am a testimony girl.

  5. First all, I want to confirm your thoughts, UoN is a giant. Haha.

    Besides that, though, this is an expression of what many young people, count me in, have to go through when they have to chart a different course and especially when it comes to making the decision for ministry involvement. But what would yield more pleasure and delight that to participate in building the Kingdom in this way? Thanks to God for His great privilege.

    Many blessings, Agnes.

  6. I don’t know what comment to leave behind though I feel I need to.
    Probably it’s because I’m at God’s quarry and at the same time at the building site.
    I’m one of those that need God’s help the most in subscribing to this deeper trust.
    Sometimes I feel stronger to put my best foot forward for yet another step of trust but at the same time I feel inferior and unqualified.
    I may not know where I am but I’m sure your reflections strengthens me the more.
    Thanks Agnes

  7. Amazing this reminds me of a verse.my times are in your hands.. and count it all joy my sister When you get to be the tool God uses to touch lives He knows how best to compensate

  8. Wow! Amazing. Thanks dear for allowing your life to minister to us.
    May God help grant us the grace to trust him without borders no matter what we surrender in the process. God bless you.

  9. I like your article.
    To respond all I can say is, “Every Christian who has believed and received Jesus Christ has a desire to grow #makeprogress in Him.

    But the greatest hindrances to our growth in life are not outward circumstances and environmental hardships: rather, they are:
    -A Mind in Need of renewing
    – A Will in need of submission to God
    – And an In Emotion in need of stability .”

    And though we may not like it, our outer man must be broken

    So that the life of Christ in our Spirit can flow as rivers of living water to refresh and build people of God.

    For without God ‘dealing’ with us in fundamental ways we can’t be qualified for the greater tasks/purpose He designed for our lives.

    Agnes am glad you shared your side of the story, and yea, if one is called to greatness, there must be ‘dealings’. Sometimes, crying, darkness , desert, waiting, frustration, loniliness yet through it all a lot of joy, fulfillment and satisfaction when we finally learn to surrender all and fully trust in Jesus Christ our Savior.

    Press on. Keep up. Shine on. Shine forth. You are in the right direction.

    ( I recommend the book “the breaking of the Outer Man and the Release of the Spirit” by Watchman Nee)

  10. Wow wow
    what an encouragement to many called in the service of God against their personal plans. You are a blessed servant mum. I also remember those days you served in the praise&worship in Tum. You were such a blessing. Great blesssings awaits you ahead and a sparkling crown awaits you in heaven.

  11. kwanza I am reading this several days later but better late than never
    Thanks for sharing these deep reflections. I am not retaking STEM :)but I identify with this post. Joining STEM was indeed an invitation to step into the unknown. And yes i am also making Progress in Knowing and trusting the Lord.
    Thanks Aggie wa Jesus.

  12. Nice article Aggie, I love how you play with words and end up encouraging many, God bless you

    I feel like I should let the World know that you did a good job in Nyeri, I can testify to that even before kings… Hehe

    Thanks for sharing you life with us Aggie, the fellowships, mentorship, encouragements, trainings and don’t forget the popcorns

    Thenks Aggie

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